This morning I spent half the day with our son’s pre-K class. I read at least four picture books, well three picture books and part of a Kate DiCamillo Mercy Watson book, which has a number of detailed pictures. I found myself asking those four and five-year olds what they thought the characters were feeling, what they thought the characters were thinking by looking at the illustrations (especially the characters’ faces) and hearing the words I read. They were fairly astute and accurate with their predictions and observations: He looks frustrated. She looks really, really happy. They look frightened.
As a young man I think I went about life hearing people’s words and taking them at face value. I didn’t look people too closely in the eyes when we spoke. I thought I was a good listener because I paid attention to the words people said to me.
I met my wife twenty years ago, and almost immediately fell in love with her gorgeous eyes. I soon realized that they were not only beautiful because they were sparkling blueish-greenish, but when she looked at me or a relative or friend, she really studied how we said something and what we were revealing non-verbally. Nowadays, with how she listens she even gets me or my kids to understand more of what we ourselves are really saying.
I still don’t love to do it- listen as intently as she does, because it requires so much more and probably means that I will invest more time and energy into that conversation. But wow, what a difference when I do listen more fully aware of everything being said and how the person is saying it. It’s more authentic. It’s more empathetic. It provides more understanding. It’s work. It’s more of the true human experience. It’s more loving.
MarkR's Musings 
Oh, this post really hits home for me. I often think I am not a good listener, that I don’t give people the kind of focused attention you describe here. I don’t know if it’s true or if I’m being hard on myself, but I have friends who are listeners and observers like your wife, and I think my focus is very pale in comparison. I love the way you describe how she listens and how her focus impacts you and your children. I’ve never put my finger so clearly on what’s different about the way I listen and what I see in those friends who are able to give your wife’s style of listening. Gives me something to think about.
– Stacie
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Thank you for your slice. You always slice about what we should be doing right as humans. You are teaching us so much from your slice, today, to listen more intensely, empathetically and be present for the speaker. Thank you for learning from others (your wife) to teach us.
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This is absolutely beautiful and so right. I often think the greatest gift we can give another human is listening. It seems like such a simple thing to do, and it’s something I genuinely value, yet how often I find myself thinking of what I will say next or trying to solve the other person’s problem when I’m having a conversation. I am often surprised how tired I am after a conversation where I really do the listening thing well: it takes effort and energy and a lot of mental work to be a good listener!
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